The Glad Path

          A few years ago, while visiting the Royal British Columbia Museum in Victoria, I saw a quote on the wall of one of the First Nations exhibits that I have remembered to this day. I can’t remember the exact wording, but it was something like this: “Share everything, and follow the path that makes your heart feel glad.” While the entire quote is open to interpretation, it was that second independent clause that impacted me most, “…follow the path that makes your heart feel glad.”

           So many times in my life, I have made good decisions for all the wrong reasons. I have let the fear of rejection, of disappointing others, and of falling into a state of poverty guide my process of deciding who I would be, what I would do, and where I would go. I have chosen the practical and common-sense option when I should have followed my heart. I have chosen my parents’ or partners’ preferences over my own. I have lived to please others rather than myself. None of these choices resulted in disaster; on the contrary, I did well in all of my educational pursuits and jobs. Yet they all left me with an emptiness inside that was hard to explain. I have always felt unfulfilled and restless despite my successes. I constantly felt there was a part of me that was unexpressed, a fetal persona that had been gestating for far too long and was at risk of dying before seeing the light of this world.

           That feeling fueled a self-defeating cycle of depression and anxiety. Impostor syndrome sneaked in on me in almost every professional role I assumed. “You’re a fake!” it whispered in my ear. “You don’t belong here!” Its words brought me down and made me feel unworthy. Then the anxiety set in. “What if somebody finds out I’m an impostor?” I asked myself. “What if I become irrelevant?” And the most frightening question of all, “What if I get stuck in this role until I’m too old to work, or until I die?” The coin then flipped to the depression side, and the cycle started all over.

           I began to realize that my choices have been largely motivated by fear. I have neglected to follow the path that makes my heart feel glad because that path is scary. It’s risky. It’s not practical or common-sense. There are no guarantees along its way. It is sometimes dark and twisted. Others will criticize me for taking it, or shake their heads in disbelief. Some will try to dissuade me. A few may even try to sabotage my future success, just to teach me a lesson, or to advance their own agendas. To all of those people, I kindly yet firmly now say, “Support me, or get out of my way.” Either travel this path with me, or cheer me on from the sidelines, or just get the hell away from me. I don’t need your negative critiques and opinions. I reject your arrogance. I refuse to receive the projection of your fears.

           So what are the paths that make me feel glad? I have worked with ESL and international students in higher education since 1988. I love working with these students, and I hope to continue a connection with this particular population in some way for as long as I can. But that is not the career I now desire to pursue with my passion. Ever since I was a small child, I have loved performing. Before I could even read, my mother taught me a simple song, told me I was going to stand in front of the entire church on a Sunday, and sing it. And I did. Later I memorized lines for Christmas plays at church, and then in high school for the drama club. In college I minored in drama and radio/TV production, making my stage debut as Linus in “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown” (Typecasting? Probably) and acting in a TV variety show that we students produced. Now I participate in my church choir and in its drama group.

           I am no fool. I know how difficult it is to make a living in the performing arts. But there is one segment of the industry that does offer the potential for steady income, and that is voice acting. Voiceovers are everywhere: parking garage kiosks, smartphone apps, video games, online trainings and classes, phone tree answering systems, and more. And of course there are the obvious sources of disembodied voices: TV and internet commercials, radio announcements, video documentaries, cartoons. There is work to be had, and there are people doing that work for pay. Some of them are phenomenal voice actors. Some of them are not. I am somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. I see that as giving me good prospects for employment while having a goal to work toward. I have been using my voice to inform, inspire, and entertain others almost all of my life. I can do this! And I will do it!

           But the path, as I said earlier, is scary. There are many unknowns. It is dark and winding. I can only see one step at a time. Yet my faith tells me that if I take that first step, the one I can see clearly, then the second step will be illuminated. And when I take it, the third will become apparent. And so on and so on as I travel down that path. And because it is the path that makes my heart feel glad, I will walk it more bravely and confidently. I will be scared as hell, and there will be times when I will want so badly to take an alternate route or turn around completely. But I will have companions and cheerleaders along the way to keep me on track. As Taylor Swift said in her recent Grammy acceptance speech, I will arrive at my success knowing it was me and the people who love me that got me there.

           And that, dear loved ones, is where you come in. I need your help to travel this path, to help me realize my dreams and achieve my goals. Anyone who says he is a self-made man is a liar. No one, and I mean no one, is self-made. We all get to where we are with the help and support of people who love us and believe in us. So I ask those who love me to help and support me in my journey. Cheer me on. Provide me some positive feedback followed by a note to help me improve. Introduce me to people you know who might be able to help me to that next step on the path. If you work in the industry, or have a project needing voiceover, give me a chance. Right now my rates are extremely reasonable, so catch me while you can afford me, LOL.

           If you want to hear some samples of my voiceover work, visit https://www.voices.com/people/mjisham#demos. If you’ve got some work for me to do, email mjisham62@yahoo.com.

UPDATE: Thanks to Mr. Michael Barnes, Head of Exhibitions, Collections, Knowledge & Engagement at the Royal British Columbia Museum in Victoria, for clarifying the quote's source and exact wording: "We are guided by our culture and the advice of our elders to share and 'always try to follow the road that makes your heart feel good.'" Attributed to the Nisga'a Lisims Government.

To Live in the Light is to Live Without Fear

          In the wee hours of the morning, when insomnia has won our wrestling match and the thoughts in my brain spin round and round like a whirlpool, epiphanies can occur. Well, either they’re epiphanies or the musings of a madman. Either way, these revelations inspire me to write as a way to process my thoughts, and the theme that emerged this morning is fear.

           For decades, fear kept me from being who I truly am. It kept me in a closet, hiding my heart from everyone for fear of being rejected, or worse, beaten up or even killed. The church taught that people like me were an abomination, worthy of a horrible death. Gay people were not and still aren’t well tolerated in small towns in Texas.

           Fear kept me from running after my vocational dreams. From a very young age, I wanted to be an actor on television. I loved playing fantasy games, where I acted the role of the hero or his or her sidekick. I took steps to an extent by being involved in the drama club in high school and by taking theater classes in college. But the fear of not being able to make a living held me back. I went the practical route instead and got a job in an office. Yuck.

           When it came to speaking my mind, the fear of offending someone or causing conflict kept me silent. I often have strong opinions, and I feel that many of those opinions are valid, but I’m so afraid of rocking the boat that I usually keep my thoughts to myself. The unfortunate consequence is that I have not learned to advocate for myself well, which often makes me passive-aggressive. Lots of fun to be around.

           As a person of faith in God and a follower of the Christ way, I strive to keep my thoughts and actions in alignment with the values I feel are of God. That’s what made me think of fear and how it has impeded my development as a fully realized child of God.

           We associate God with light. In the book of Genesis, God says, “Let there be light.” All of creation emanated from God, and light was the first of God’s creations. Light is good. Plants need it to grow, we need it to be healthy, it keeps us warm. Without light, there is utter and complete darkness, which we associate with fear. That’s why I believe the opposite of love is not hate, but fear. God is love, therefore light comes from love. As light always conquers darkness, so love always conquers fear. The Christian Bible says that in 1 John 4:18. Hate is the result of fear, as is greed and lust and all other destructive attitudes we call sin.

           Fear is what makes Americans put their faith in guns instead of God despite the fact that we have an enormously high mass murder rate among our counterparts in the developed world. Fear keeps our cities and states from showing hospitality to the strangers at our gates, and even makes our leaders penalize those who do try to show hospitality. Read the story of Sodom in the Old Testament, then read Ezekiel 16:49 and feel truly afraid. God did not destroy Sodom because there were supposedly homosexuals there, as some Christians, Jews, and Muslims would have you believe, but rather because they failed to show hospitality to strangers in need. Americans refusing asylum to refugees and building walls on our borders are modern-day Sodomites.

           The fear of people whose skin is darker than our own has caused a centuries-long oppression of black people in America, an oppression that is often tragically acted out on young, black men, sometimes with deadly results.

           Fearing people whose gender identities don’t match their assigned sex has resulted in tragic, senseless acts of violence, too. According to the Human Rights Campaign, at least twenty-one transgendered men and women—nineteen of them people of color—have been killed so far in 2015 in the U.S.

           Sadly, I could go on and on about how fear has caused death and sorrow for so many. One cannot deny that racism, homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, classism, Islamophobia, anti-Semitism, religious bigotry, and all other attitudes that result in division, hate, anger, and other destructive actions are rooted in fear.

           Those who fear live in darkness. While the light of God’s love might leak through the brokenness of their hearts from time to time, the darkness in there prevails, and fear rules. Greedy corporations and their lobbyists, and the politicians, lawmakers, and law enforcers who are their puppets, use fear to manipulate the masses for their own gains. Another mass shooting? Quick, go buy a gun to keep yourself safe from the terrorists and madmen. Immigrants and refugees taking your jobs away and living off welfare? Here, let me build a wall for you. And don’t worry, I’ll outsource the labor overseas so I can save myself some money. Same-sex marriage destroying the sanctity of your marriage(s)? Well, let’s put a stop to that…but I’ll need a donation from you to run my campaign.

           People who live in that twilight zone between full light and full darkness are especially vulnerable to the temptation to give in to fear. I know, because I’ve been there, and I still find myself there from time to time. Like a moth drawn to a flame, though, I want to always head toward the light. Unlike the poor moth, however, I will be purified by the light of God’s love. I will be able to see more clearly and come to a better understanding of what it really, truly means to be a follower of Christ.

           And the operative word in that previous sentence is “be.” God does not call us to do, but rather to be. To be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. I cannot be these things, though, if I live in fear. And being these things does not mean that I do not speak my mind, or pursue my dreams, or express who I am, or stand up for my views. On the contrary, living in the light and casting out fear means that we have courage from God to both be and do all that God knows we can. For me, it is the courage to stand up for justice, peace, tolerance, inclusion, compassion, and generosity. If our being is in the light, then the doing that results will draw others to the light. The darkness will flee, and so will the hate and bigotry and all other fear-based attitudes along with it.