In the wee hours of the morning, when insomnia has won our
wrestling match and the thoughts in my brain spin round and round like a
whirlpool, epiphanies can occur. Well, either they’re epiphanies or the musings
of a madman. Either way, these revelations inspire me to write as a way to
process my thoughts, and the theme that emerged this morning is fear.
For decades,
fear kept me from being who I truly am. It kept me in a closet, hiding my heart
from everyone for fear of being rejected, or worse, beaten up or even killed. The
church taught that people like me were an abomination, worthy of a horrible
death. Gay people were not and still aren’t well tolerated in small towns in
Texas.
Fear kept me
from running after my vocational dreams. From a very young age, I wanted to be
an actor on television. I loved playing fantasy games, where I acted the role
of the hero or his or her sidekick. I took steps to an extent by being involved
in the drama club in high school and by taking theater classes in college. But
the fear of not being able to make a living held me back. I went the practical
route instead and got a job in an office. Yuck.
When it came
to speaking my mind, the fear of offending someone or causing conflict kept me
silent. I often have strong opinions, and I feel that many of those opinions
are valid, but I’m so afraid of rocking the boat that I usually keep my
thoughts to myself. The unfortunate consequence is that I have not learned to
advocate for myself well, which often makes me passive-aggressive. Lots of fun
to be around.
As a person
of faith in God and a follower of the Christ way, I strive to keep my thoughts
and actions in alignment with the values I feel are of God. That’s what made me
think of fear and how it has impeded my development as a fully realized child
of God.
We associate
God with light. In the book of Genesis, God says, “Let there be light.” All of
creation emanated from God, and light was the first of God’s creations. Light
is good. Plants need it to grow, we need it to be healthy, it keeps us warm.
Without light, there is utter and complete darkness, which we associate with
fear. That’s why I believe the opposite of love is not hate, but fear. God is
love, therefore light comes from love. As light always conquers darkness, so
love always conquers fear. The Christian Bible says that in 1 John 4:18. Hate
is the result of fear, as is greed and lust and all other destructive attitudes
we call sin.
Fear is what
makes Americans put their faith in guns instead of God despite the fact that we
have an enormously high mass murder rate among our counterparts in the
developed world. Fear keeps our cities and states from showing hospitality to
the strangers at our gates, and even makes our leaders penalize those who do
try to show hospitality. Read the story of Sodom in the Old Testament, then
read Ezekiel 16:49 and feel truly afraid. God did not destroy Sodom because
there were supposedly homosexuals there, as some Christians, Jews, and Muslims
would have you believe, but rather because they failed to show hospitality to
strangers in need. Americans refusing asylum to refugees and building walls on
our borders are modern-day Sodomites.
The fear of
people whose skin is darker than our own has caused a centuries-long oppression
of black people in America, an oppression that is often tragically acted out on
young, black men, sometimes with deadly results.
Fearing
people whose gender identities don’t match their assigned sex has resulted in
tragic, senseless acts of violence, too. According to the Human Rights
Campaign, at least twenty-one transgendered men and women—nineteen of them
people of color—have been killed so far in 2015 in the U.S.
Sadly, I
could go on and on about how fear has caused death and sorrow for so many. One
cannot deny that racism, homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, classism,
Islamophobia, anti-Semitism, religious bigotry, and all other attitudes that
result in division, hate, anger, and other destructive actions are rooted in
fear.
Those who
fear live in darkness. While the light of God’s love might leak through the
brokenness of their hearts from time to time, the darkness in there prevails,
and fear rules. Greedy corporations and their lobbyists, and the politicians,
lawmakers, and law enforcers who are their puppets, use fear to manipulate the
masses for their own gains. Another mass shooting? Quick, go buy a gun to keep
yourself safe from the terrorists and madmen. Immigrants and refugees taking
your jobs away and living off welfare? Here, let me build a wall for you. And
don’t worry, I’ll outsource the labor overseas so I can save myself some money.
Same-sex marriage destroying the sanctity of your marriage(s)? Well, let’s put
a stop to that…but I’ll need a donation from you to run my campaign.
People who
live in that twilight zone between full light and full darkness are especially
vulnerable to the temptation to give in to fear. I know, because I’ve been
there, and I still find myself there from time to time. Like a moth drawn to a
flame, though, I want to always head toward the light. Unlike the poor moth,
however, I will be purified by the light of God’s love. I will be able to see
more clearly and come to a better understanding of what it really, truly means
to be a follower of Christ.
And the
operative word in that previous sentence is “be.” God does not call us to do,
but rather to be. To be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good,
faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. I cannot be these things, though, if I
live in fear. And being these things does not mean that I do not speak my mind,
or pursue my dreams, or express who I am, or stand up for my views. On the
contrary, living in the light and casting out fear means that we have courage
from God to both be and do all that God knows we can. For me, it is the courage
to stand up for justice, peace, tolerance, inclusion, compassion, and
generosity. If our being is in the light, then the doing that results will draw
others to the light. The darkness will flee, and so will the hate and bigotry
and all other fear-based attitudes along with it.
